The Shame of Being Fat: grappling with my body image is important for me (and my family…and my students)
Six years ago, I was pregnant with my son. Every month, I went for my health checks and every month, I was subjected to hell. I was asked to detail everything I ate. Then I was asked to explain the size of each portion. Then I was told that I must be lying. I couldn’t possibly be telling the truth. I was asked to detail my exercise, and I was walking 5km each day until eight months pregnant, again I was told that I was lying. Partway through pregnancy, women are tested for gestational diabetes. My doctor wasn’t even going to send me because she just assumed I would have it. Even though I have severe needle anxiety, I demanded she send me and surprise…I didn’t have it. My doctor was ‘shocked’. You see, I am what society calls fat and this is just how pregnant women who are ‘fat’ according to society are treated. One of the main findings of a study called Fat Reproductive Justice: Navigating the boundaries of reproductive healthcare published in June 2020 was:
Participants were seeking healthcare providers who would listen to and hear them before simply making assumptions about their bodies.
Think about that. The main finding was that the women wanted doctors to listen to them. Reproductive health is just one area that I have experienced stigma and shame—and I am not alone. Many in our society accept and internalize that fatness is bad and being fat makes someone bad, implying moral judgements and stigma (Nath 2019).
I hide from photos and impose harsh judgment on myself—like I don’t deserve to take up space.
This article is a deeply personal departure from my usual posts. In it, I will explore my personal shame and vicious internal monologue, what I am doing to help myself, and what we can do to support our students to unravel a world where fat stigma is still accepted and encouraged from places of authority and social interactions.
It was not an easy article to write and I don’t expect to to be easy to read. One thing that I am constantly reminded of is that visibility matters and that my talking about some subjects makes it easier for others to do the same. The way that society treats/judges people who are socially considered ‘fat’ is not okay and the internal shame cycle that many of us who are considered ‘fat’ by society experience is emotional nightmare. This is part of my journey towards body acceptance and body positivity..and trust me, it will be a long one.
How did I get here?
This was a happy seven-year-old me. I wish I had this much joy in my own skin now. It is the goal!
I was a chubby kid. I look at pictures now and I look ‘normal’ by societal standards, but I remember feeling chubby as early as grade four. Studies show kids as young as three are talking about being ugly or not happy with their weight, which is terrifying. But for me, I can remember as early as grade four being called chubby and made fun of for not running as fast. Feeling like I was not good enough on my soccer team and worrying about what I ate. Feeling like boys would never like me because I was so much chubbier and uglier than the other girls around me. Internalizing that within the social hierarchy, I was somehow less than, which is linked to social rank theory.
In high school, it got worse. I knew my place and that was low. My internal monologue reminded me daily that I was a failure because I was not skinny or pretty enough—and I never would be. I remember asking my doctor for help and she suggested I take up cross country skiing, because it really helped her lose weight. I tried diets….I even joined Jenny Craig. I restricted portions. I tried to exercise. I played on soccer, field hockey, and baseball teams. I was fit and active, but didn’t see myself as that way. It seemed so easy for my classmates. I looked at what they ate…and at what I ate..it didn’t look different, so why was my body so different? It must be me. The internal shame and self criticism was constant. Nothing worked and I knew I would never be worthy or respect or love.
This was a trip I took in college. I remember feeling GIANT, and yet when I look at this photo…I feel like I was normal and healthy. Rectifying my head and my heart are challenging when I look at photos.
By the end of high school, I was at a place of accepting my grossness. I wore loose clothing. Tried to stay in dark colours. Tried to hide. I couldn’t look in mirrors because that would mean facing myself and every flaw. I had taken to hiding from pictures. I would scream and run away from cameras. I still do—it is something I am working on. I didn’t want to be seen because I felt that I didn’t deserve to take up space in my shameful fatness. I was disgusting. I didn’t want people to have to look at me or spend time with me because I wasn’t worthy of kindness or friendship. I didn’t want to force anyone to be around me because I was a failure at taking care of myself.
Even with all of this hatred, I kept trying to get to societal norms. I tried diet after diet. I joined gyms and exercised. There were times when for months I was exercising 1-2 hours per day and eating 1200 calories, but not losing weight…and when I would ask the doctor for help, they would send me for bloodwork, say nothing was wrong and tell me to work harder to eat less. I don’t want to ever go to doctors because of how I have been treated, and I am not alone. Research has shown that medical professionals spend less time with patients they consider fat and make these patients feel more shamed, causing them to avoid treatment (Nath 2019).
Even though I gave up on doctors, I still kept trying. A few years ago, I did keto hardcore and lost 30 pounds…it all came back…Then I did a cleanse diet and lost 30 pounds right before the pandemic hit…then well…the pandemic hit and I gained it all back plus more. The deep shame that I feel from the yoyo is unbearable. How could I let myself lose the weight and then gain it all back? Even though I have read research about dieting and how it doesn’t work, it doesn’t matter. My brain and heart are in conflict. I blame myself for my moral failure of not being skinny enough or healthy enough.
So here I am at 38 having had at least 28 years of external and internal shame and stigma heaped on me. I have an unhealthy relationship with food and my body. During my last counselling session, my counsellor asked me if I could identify one part of my body I liked…even one inch. I could not. I am so separated and shamed that their is nothing about me that I like. This is a problem. It takes a lot of energy to hate yourself as much as I do. It is not healthy. I compartmentalize this part of myself well at work, but my family gets the brunt of it. In fact, my coworkers who read this might be shocked, but my close friends won’t be. My husband wishes I could see myself through his eyes, and so do I. I am not there yet. I am not even body neutral yet. I need to be for my health and for my family.
I need to learn self-compassion and to fight the fat phobic nature of society.
The Tipping Point: No Clothing
So, because of my lose 30-pounds, gain it back cycle, I had a clothing issues. I was punishing myself by not buying clothing that fit until I ‘lost weight’ because I didn’t deserve it. I was angry at myself for gaining weight and disgusted by my size. I hate shopping. I really REALLY hate shopping. When you are a woman who is ‘fat’, the clothing options suck. You have to go to the ‘plus’ section or the ‘plus’ stores and the clothes are baggy or ugly. Like to keep us from being seen by ‘normal’ people, we must be relegated to our own shameful section. I avoid shopping at all costs. Most of the time I find a giant baggy shirt or something at Costco or Superstore and buy four of each without even trying them on.
By the time spring break rolled around this year, I was down to three pairs of pants and a few shirts for work. I felt like all sweaters were tooooo short and tight. I was doing laundry midweek and living in a sweatshirt most days to hide. I was still angry at myself and felt like I didn’t deserve clothing.
I have a pesky friend and an annoying husband—both of whom I love—who went camping with me over spring break. They also forced me to go shopping for clothing. My husband took care of the kids while my friend helped me. It was brutal, but in the end, I got an entire wardrobe that fits. I still am upset with the sizes and myself, but this is one step to feeling okay in my body. I am going to walk you through the afternoon of shopping to show you what 28 years of hating yourself and believing societies messaging does to someone.
Before I Entered the Stores
I spent 20 minutes full on ugly crying. Sitting in the vehicle refusing to go in and thinking/saying things like:
I am disgusting
Don’t look at me
I don’t deserve new clothing
I don’t deserve it because I am disgusting
Super unhealthy thinking. I know. Not true. I know. My really pesky friend kept challenging my negative thoughts and forcing me to confront them. Pesky. Very pesky. Challenging thoughts is not something I am good at doing on my own yet, so my friend helped me.
In Store # 1 (Lane Bryant)
"IMG_1962 Karl Hofer 1878-1955 Berlin Femme en pleurs Weinende Crying woman 1929 München Lenbachhaus" by jean louis mazieres is marked with CC BY-NC-SA 2.0.
I couldn’t look up as I entered the store or make eye contact with the workers. I felt so awkward and overwhelmed. I grabbed a few things and walked back to the change room. My friend kept grabbing things while I started trying on clothing.
I spent 45 minutes loud ugly crying while trying on clothing. I berated myself for the size I had to wear and begged my friend to tell me if I looked pregnant. My worst nightmare is being asked if I am pregnant…nope just fat. I didn’t look at prices—I just made a yes/no pile. I knew I needed clothing, even if I hated it. Afterwards, my friend told me that all of the staff could hear me crying and it broke their hearts. They all tried to pull clothing for me and give me space. They all knew what I was going through and hoped I would find something that brought me joy.
When I came out, the cashier had already bagged all my yes clothing and helped me with discounts. They made it so easy. This store was a no shame zone—the only shame was in my head.
Unfortunately, I wasn’t done. I needed black pants…so we went to a second store.
In Store # 2 (Torrid)
My goal for store # 2 was to not cry. I was able to grab four items before I hit my overwhelmed wall and hid in the change room. My eyes burned as I tried on the clothing, but I didn’t cry. I picked out my more clothing…including my first jean jacket in 20 years and a new dress for Easter. When I was a little girl, I got a new dress for Easter every year…and I deserved one this year as well.
By the end of the afternoon, I had a new wardrobe. I know I have a level of privilege that allowed me to spend this money on myself that not everyone can afford and I am grateful. I have relaxing clothes, work clothes, and even two new dresses. Today I went through my cupboard and removed my shame clothing. What do I mean? I bagged up two full bags of clothing to give away, one to throw out, and one small bag to put away for when I lose a little weight. I need my drawers and closet to only have clothing that fits and that I feel good in—so I will give everything else away for now. Release the shame and feel good in my skin.
This was an important tipping point. I deserve to look pretty and take up space in the world. I deserve to be seen and I deserve to feel good.
What am I doing to help myself?
Counselling: I have been in counselling since September for many reasons, but honestly, many of my issues are based in my self-loathing/fat shaming.
Challenging Thoughts: Challenging the pervasive negative thoughts I have about my body and what I deserve because of being at my size and functioning in society is important. This is not something that comes naturally. My counsellor actually suggested that I just start with pausing when I notice these thoughts and feeling how they feel in my body. When my pesky friend is around, she challenges them for me and helps me work through the logic. This is not something that anyone could do for me because I might actually interpret it in a negative way. It is not something I would suggest doing for a friend unless you have a very specific relationship and have talked about it. The person I am talking about is the ONLY person in my life who can do it and she knows who she is. Even my well meaning husband cannot do it.
Noticing Fat Phobia/Diet Based Language: My counsellor also asked me to start noticing the prevalence of fat phobia or diet based language in society. Even noticing what friends/people comment on. How often someone comments on appearance or says ‘you’ve lost weight’ or ‘I can cheat and have a piece of cake’ or ‘I’ll have to do an extra workout if I eat that’ is overwhelming when you start listening for it. This is especially true of my female friends. I even hear it in the words of my students, which breaks my heart. This doesn’t even account for the representation in media and the fact that overweight people seem to be the last acceptable targets for humour and ridicule in society (Nath 2019). Author Lisa Fipps talks about this extensively on social media about how in literature, overweight characters are often the butt of jokes and they are described with food comparisons (e.g. sausage fingers) which she notes exacerbates stereotypes. Given that in 2017, it was reported that 30% of kids in Canada aged 5-17 were considered overweight or obese, how could our language and representation in media not have a negative impact on kids? We need to do better.
Research: I like to read articles and look at stats, so I have spent some time reading peer reviewed articles about (1) fat shaming, (2) genetic links to obesity, and (3) developing body image. Some things didn’t surprise me—fat women are vilified in a fat phobic society (Hopson 2019)—but other things did—some doctors still actively argue that stigmatizing overweight people to lose weight will work despite extensive research that proves the opposite (Nath 2019). My counsellor has also pointed me in the direction of a doctor that treats obesity as a disease, and not a moral failure, so I am reading research about this as well. Knowledge is powerful for me. It helps me figure out the world and see patterns. Even though my heart does not believe everything I have read, my mind is working through it and it will help me feel less shame.
Buying Clothing: I deserve clothing that fits and to feel good in it. So does every person on the planet.
Taking Risks: Writing this blog post is a huge risk. I feel like I am opening up about a personal painful struggle. Taking risks is a way of challenging the belief that I don’t deserve certain things because of my size. I still hate pictures of myself, but I will try to take more. I will try to add more to social media. I will try very hard to desensitize myself and see myself through the eyes of people who care about me. These two things may not seem like big risks, but to me they are huge.
Connecting to My Classroom
My first contract in teaching included a Hospital/Homebound component. One of the students I was working with was in grade five and living at the Eating Disorder Clinic in Children’s Hospital. She was the youngest in the very full ward. She had learned how to count calories for a Health and Careers Assignment and progressively worked to challenge herself to fewer and fewer calories. Disordered eating was the result and an extremely unhealthy relationship with food. There is no reason for any child ever to count calories. As educators, we need to think extremely carefully about how we talk about and teach nutrition. We also have to think about the fact that kids don’t control the food they have access to at home, so assigning shame to certain food groups or foods can be devastating.
Educators also need to be careful about the language they use when talking about themselves and food. Students notice everything and will internalize what teachers do. Are we accidentally upholding fat phobic beliefs or fat shaming through our words or actions? I have been good about my language around my students, but not as much with colleagues. My internal monologue is also pretty bad around colleagues. I will be making a concerted effort to shift this after spring break.
Challenging media representation and bringing in representation is another way to fight fat phobia. The book Starfish by Lisa Fipps is a Surrey School Book of the Year Nominee and it fights fat phobia head-on. It is a beautiful book told in prose and I cried many times while reading it. The author does not shy away from challenging truths. Another Nominated Book, Go With the Flow, is a book with powerful representation and different body types. This book tackles period poverty and challenges with female health. We are also starting to see representation of different body types in movies and television, but this is slow. Bringing representation into our classrooms is so important because it helps all students know they are welcome and valued. It also normalizes different body types and that all body types are okay—this seems like an important message.
Rajagopalan (2021) found that college women who identified as having resilience, tended to have a higher body image. The research suggested that we should be explicitly teaching resilience to students to help build body positivity. It is nice to know that research supports what most teachers are already doing!
The biggest thing that I can do for my students is accept myself and love myself for who I am right now. This is hard. Yes, I compartmentalize in my classroom, but I still don’t feel super comfortable in my skin. Having clothing that fits will really help. As will noticing my language and starting to challenge my thoughts. If I can actually radically accept myself exactly as I am, then I will be able to relax and be fully in the moment with my kids and they will have the best teacher they can have. So, I will try.
The End?
I spent 28 of my 38 years on this planet bombarded by societal norms and internalizing fat shame. I will not be fixed overnight. This is a process and I am working on it. I have to because I am tired of holding on to this much self-loathing.
I deserve to see myself through the eyes of my husband and my son. My son deserves to have pictures of me and I deserve to take up space in this world.
Can you help me on my journey? Sure! Don’t comment on my weight or how I look. Start to notice your own language around food and see if you are holding onto unintentional bias. If you work with kids, be careful and intentional about how you talk about nutrition and food. Most of all, approach all people with compassion because you have no idea their struggles or their stories, and they just might break your heart.
Peer Reviewed Articles Referenced
Carter A, Gilbert P, Kirby JN. Compassion‐focused therapy for body weight shame: A mixed methods pilot trial. Clinical Psychology & Psychotherapy. 2021;28(1):93-108. doi:10.1002/cpp.2488
Hopson CR. Not Tragically Fat! On Shame. Frontiers: A Journal of Women Studies. 2019;40(3):177-179. Accessed March 26, 2022. https://search.ebscohost.com/login.aspx?direct=true&db=lfh&AN=141508211&site=ehost-live
Nath R. The injustice of fat stigma. Bioethics. 2019;33(5):577-590. doi:10.1111/bioe.12560
LaMarre A, Rice C, Cook K, Friedman M. Fat Reproductive Justice: Navigating the Boundaries of Reproductive Health Care. Journal of Social Issues. 2020;76(2):338-362. doi:10.1111/josi.12371
Rajagopalan J. Body Appreciation: Through the Lens of Positive Psychology. Indian Journal of Positive Psychology. 2021;12(4):299-302. Accessed March 26, 2022. https://search.ebscohost.com/login.aspx?direct=true&db=aph&AN=154731733&site=ehost-live
