Introducing Bruce, My Anxiety Monster
It has been a few weeks since I have shared anything. I was very excited about the possibility of something, and it fell through. I received some feedback that was challenging and I felt broken.
I have anxiety. I have been working for two years to help myself. When you name something, you take back power. I wanted to share my experiences to help bring visibility to something that is often steeped in shame. It was shame that kept me from seeking help sooner and shame that I am still fighting as I heal old wounds and learn new strategies.
Introducing Bruce
I know, giving it an actual name seems strange—but let me explain. Bruce feels like a monster. He takes over in situations that make no sense. He causes a fight or flight response and I am stuck. He causes me to internalize failure deeply, when there is no reason to do so.
Let me give you an innocuous example. Bruce has been around for most of my life. I was always terrible at playing boardgames—even though I loved them. So much so, that I was made fun of as a child. When I was losing a game, it felt like personal failure and proof that I was incompetent. Looking back at it, such a value judgement seems ridiculous, but I felt it deeply. This continued through adulthood. I loved games and games nights, but would feel anxious while playing competitive games. My heart would race, my throat would dry, and I would get unreasonably upset.
My logical brain understood that this was a strange response, but Bruce put a value judgement on my losing. My reactions were internal and external. It led to me getting made fun of for being a sore loser as an adult as well—which led to more shame and frustration. Frustration for myself for not being able to just enjoy playing. Games are low risk and have no life or death impact—and yet my nervous system disagreed.
As I grew older, I took steps to solve the problem. I bought cooperative games, which are now much more popular. I played more group games like Taboo! and Cards Against Humanity, which allowed for joyful laughter. During games nights, I would purposely take breaks and focus on being a host more than playing the games. I actively paid attention to my anxiety monster and excused myself from games early or conceded to help manage feelings. These strategies helped, but I was still frustrated at how my body reacted to games.
Then I had a little human. This little human loves games. He has loved puzzles and games since forever. He is in early elementary school now and we play strategy games like Catan, Carcassonne, and Risk as well as playful games like Hungry Hippos, Charades, and Gobblet Gobblers. Sometimes I win—and often I lose—even when I am trying. My little dude is ruthless at strategy games. We actively practice good sportsmanship strategies and congratulating each other. Bruce doesn’t rear his ugly head anymore. is amazing.
What has changed in the last few years that has allowed this change? I started taking care of myself. I see a counsellor and taking other steps as well. I have learned strategies to tame Bruce.
Bruce has impacted my interactions with adults as well, which hurts friendships and relationships with colleagues.
Outside vs. Inside
Masking is something really common for people with anxiety, depression, or any other mental health challenge. It is the ability to hide part of yourself in certain situations in order to avoid judgement for your feelings or condition. It leads to holding so much in and losing it in a safe space…like at home with ice cream—and with safe people….like partners and good friends. It is not healthy, but it is super common.
I was generally very good at masking at school. I would give everything to my kids and classroom and then fall apart at home. Not super healthy, but I was able to do it and keep functioning. It all changed about four years ago. I had extra stressors on me: I moved schools, my son was at daycare, I wasn’t sleeping well, I was worried about family members, and I was worried about making a good impression at my new school. It was a tough year and Bruce was a jerk. I internalized so much shame and felt like I was failing. I was devastated because I could not seem to make connections with many colleagues. By the end of the year, I had hit such a low point, that I almost quit teaching.
Instead, I made the decision to move grades and classrooms. It was a good move. I have loved teaching grade five the last three years. I started to get my confidence back and tried to join committees to build connections—then a pandemic hit. My stress went through the roof again. Bruce got really loud and I questioned every decision and interaction. I always seemed to say the wrong thing with my colleagues and I would get so upset with myself, which came across wrong. This led to a further spiral and blame in my interactions.
By the start of last year, I decided to pull back further. I put everything into my students and my classroom but tried to stay away from everything else. I knew I was a good teacher, but I felt lost at the school—it didn’t feel like my home. I missed collaborating with a variety of people and feeling success at the school level (not just in my classroom).
Bruce had gotten really loud. I didn’t feel like me. It is not fun to feel isolated and sad. It is not fun to feel like you cannot create the relationships you crave to make your workplace somewhere you are excited to be at. I knew I was capable of professional connections. I had participated in several professional development opportunities offered by the district and had powerful connections with people I met these places. I also am very close to the librarian at my school and we have worked together all four years. Other colleagues however, weren’t seeing me—they were seeing Bruce. I realized that I needed help and talked to my doctor and I started some medication. I wasn’t ready to fully commit to my anxiety monster. I held on to the shame and thought, if I get the right medication, this will all go away.
The medication helped a bit, but a lifetime of Bruce + extra stress of the previous years + the shame of needing help is hard to overcome. Before school started this year, I had a ten hour panic attack. Yup, it was brutal. It was a wake-up call that I wasn’t doing enough. I went back to my doctor and I found a counsellor.
I made the choice to again pull back from all committees and focus on my class—this was protectionist. I did decide to try to go the staff room to eat lunch with colleagues to rebuild connections. I still didn’t trust myself to speak much, but I made an effort. I ended up on the school goal committee and I was scared because I didn’t want to say or do the wrong thing. I tried not to speak much and share only when asked. I ended up being the test class and really enjoyed sharing this experience with my kids. It was fun to explore literacy and see the growth in my students.
It has been suggested that I am not reflective based on my actions and reactions. This is absolutely not true. I am constantly reviewing what I have said and done. In the past, I have put severe personal judgement on what I did and said. I couldn’t understand why my body would react in such a negative way and shut down. I wasn’t ready to name it for it was because of shame. I have anxiety. It has a name. It has a huge impact on my life. Now that it is named, I can start to help myself to make a better life—and I don’t have to do it alone. I have support all around me and am now able to recognize it.
Even though this year has been better than the previous three, the news I received a few weeks ago overwhelmed me. I understand that I am on the right path, but my past challenges with Bruce are haunting me. My mask broke and I felt hopeless. It was too much and I have not been at school for almost two weeks. I love teaching and I adore my class, but I cannot be an effective educator who pushes taking care of mental health, if I don’t take care of myself. I needed the last two weeks to face my past again with the monster named and start to unwind the knot deep in my stomach. I will go back next week and I will have fun ending the year in style. Then I will use the rest of the summer to unwind, take care of myself, and develop further strategies to squish Bruce. Bruce is a jerk.
Do you have anxiety?
Rates of anxiety are astronomical right now. One of the biggest risk factors in developing anxiety is exposure to stressful and negative life or environmental events. I would say living through a pandemic and the world in general right now are collective negative life events that we have all lived through—and not just adults, kids as well. Anxiety makes it hard to make choices and feel good about what you say and do. It is sneaky and filled with shame. Mental health is still full of shame, which makes it hard for people to recognize it in themselves and accept help.
Ask yourself these questions:
Do you often feel restless, wound-up, or on-edge?
Are you easily fatigued?
Do you have difficulty concentrating?
Do you have digestive distress at strange times?
Do you have trouble controlling your worries?
Do you have trouble falling asleep or staying asleep?
Do you feel self-conscious around people or fear that they will judge you?
Do you ever feel out of control or feel an impending sense of doom?
If you answer yes to a few, you have some anxiety. Does it mean you have severe anxiety that is impacting your life? Not necessarily. It helps to name it so you can recognize it. Living with anxiety is not a fun life, even if it is only mild. There are ways to help and the sooner people seek help, the easier it is. A few ways to help yourself:
Therapy (cognitive behavioural therapy, talk therapy, skills based therapy)
Medication (there are many types of medication—find the one that works. Being on meds in nothing to be ashamed of and it doesn’t mean you are on them forever. Would you deny yourself glasses if you needed a prescription? Meds are glasses for your nervous system.)
Support Groups (skills groups or safe places to share)
Explicitly learning and practicing skills to manage stress and anxiety (This is what I am doing right now…funny story, I always taught these to students and understood the irony of my difficulty with them…now I am learning more.)
Name it and accept yourself…this is something I have only done recently. I don’t think I fully accepted myself until the last few weeks, I knew I had anxiety, but I was holding on to shame and self-judgement. That is gone now. I am not my anxiety. I am a creative loving wife, mother, teacher, author, and person. I deserve to be happy and enjoy all aspects my life. I deserve to be able to make and maintain relationships with friends. When Bruce takes over, it is not me—it is a scared version of me that I don’t like at all. I do not accept that the life I have been living with all of my masking and strategies to cope is the one that I am resigned to live. I deserve better. Again, I am not my anxiety—I am Melissa Salter and I deserve joy.
A Note for Friends and Family
Okay, so you think a loved one has anxiety or another mental health challenge like depression and you want to help. Here is what you can do:
Love them for who they are. See past the anxiety and depression to who they are and place no value judgement on them for unexpected behaviour related to the mental health challenge.
I know you really want to help. I do. It is hard to see people you love in pain. Until the person is ready for help and ready to face what is going on, well intentioned behaviour will be isolating and add further shame. What do I mean? I was often told to just snap out of it or do some self care like getting a massage to get better. You cannot massage away anxiety. I also have been told to just exercise because that will give you endorphins and you will feel better. Okay, this is true, but my anxiety/shame brain couldn’t accept it. In fact, it tied comments like this to body image and anger at myself for not being more physically active. None of these comments were meant to hurt, but they did. It made it feel to me like the anxiety was all my fault and if only I could just do the right thing, like eating more calcium rich foods, it would fix my brain and I would be happy. This piled shame on because I felt like not being fixed was all my fault. I further internalized that having anxiety meant I was a bad person and fundamentally flawed.
I couldn’t get help until I was ready. I have a wonderful husband and a few good friends who saw me beyond the anxiety and loved me no matter what. They have stuck with me and I am grateful for their continued support as I find my way to crushing Bruce and welcoming a happier life. I challenge you to be that support for your friends and family members who might need it. The people who might need someone to see them for who they are and accept them right where they are.
How can friends, family and colleagues help me?
Bruce has reared his ugly head throughout my life. I have hurt people by accident. Out of shame, I have removed myself from situations and cut myself out of friendships, because I thought their life would be better without me in it. That was Bruce talking. Bruce isn’t in control anymore. I have named my anxiety for what it is…and it is not me. I am taking care of myself and recognizing that choices I have made in the past were not always made with my best interest at heart. They were made with Bruce in control—and I won’t allow that anymore.
I give full permission to my colleagues, friends, and family to point out Bruce when he starts to wrestle control. What does it look like? Well, my friends probably know, but here are some signs:
I start talking really fast or I go dead silent
I look stiff
I clench my jaw
I say something negative about myself
If any of these things start to happen, I now try to think ‘Shut-up Bruce’ and do something to regulate:
I drink some water
I eat something
I go for a walk (moving really helps me)
I take deep breaths
I go outside
I take a break
I take take time to write out my thinking or work through a problem in a quiet space
I wouldn’t suggest people say ‘shut-up Bruce’ to me…but maybe, suggest a break or gently saying ‘I think that’s Bruce talking’…. will help me take the time I need to regulate. They will help me recognize the situation for what it is and make a better choice. I am still developing my toolkit. And if I am being honest, Bruce has not been that bad a school the last few years—but my husband and close friends have had the worst of it.
I have also spent time thinking about my triggers so that I can recognize situations that my exacerbate my anxiety. To help you think about your own, I will share mine:
When I feel unsafe or that people I care about are in unsafe situations (my unsafe meter is messed up and I am working on it!)
When I feel out of control or like I am losing control
When I feel like I have made a mistake or hurt someone’s feelings
Let me share a recent example. I was in an interview and asked how I infuse the district priority practices into my teaching. I blanked. I was already feeling heightened and my brain decided that remembering the list of priority practices was not something worth remembering or being able to recall. Forgetfulness is one of the ways my anxiety manifests. To counter it, I do things like set alarms, write reminder lists, and stay as organized as possible. My husband knows my passwords for almost everything, because I will quite literally draw a blank when trying to remember them. And it happened at the wrong time sitting in a room with people I respected trying to answer questions. I was mortified. I knew I had blown the interview and I began to feel out of control. I got through but it was all downhill. I used this experience to prepare for the next interview by reviewing and writing down a few ideas. The notes helped me feel like I had more control. I can’t avoid all trigger situations, but I can—and will—continue to build my personal toolkit to have more success when the situations come up. Learning to deal with my anxiety is a journey…a daily marathon that I am winning every time I take a step or make a choice to help myself.
Final Thoughts
I am better as sharing my thinking in writing sometimes. I can layout the arguments and organize my thoughts. Writing helps me process life and challenges. So I chose to write this post and then I chose to share it. Why? Why make this public?
I am not the only one going through this. There is no shame is admitting to challenges like anxiety and depression—even though society inherently puts ethical judgements on mental health issues. It is important to talk about them to help remove the stigma or taboo that leads people to silence. So many people are suffering and internalizing conditions that can be treated, if only the shame were removed.
Writing this post and sharing my story helps me take back power and I hope it helps other people. I have anxiety—but I am not my anxiety. I am working on myself and I am lucky to be surrounded by people who see me and love me for who I am.
If you are reading this and it rings true, but don’t feel seen, please know that I see you. I see you and I accept you for who you are. I know you are doing your very best. I know that when you are ready, you will find the help you need. Until you are ready, I am here and I know you are amazing just the way you are.